Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Un-Bridgeable Gap ( I make up words)

When I was completely unaware of my life- When I partied, and stayed out, and stayed unaccountable for for anything I did- ( well, mostly- I have always been a PK- you won't ever NOT have guilt.) I was unattacked, I was everyone's favorite, and I was "blissfully" unaware of how screwed up I really was.

In The Middle was the time that I decided I wanted to be in church- I decided I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, bigger than a beer buzz, bigger than shopping malls. BUT- I still wanted to be number one. I still wanted to have a buzz on Saturday and recover before church on Sunday. However, I didn't want all the conviction that came with realization in the Sanctuary. I didn't want to see myself in the message as the BAD one the Pastor (Dad) was talking about. So- I did want any other self respecting hypocrite does. I validated myself. With thoughts like, "It's not like I ever killed anyone" -- "I give to charity" -- "He can't be talking about me, I have read my Bible before. I even did a devotion, once."


(I mean, I remember thinking all that, doing all that.. now, It seems like someone else's life. How lucky am I, that I can confidently say THAT is the past? :)  )

I think, slowly, I have realized that that.. "The Middle" stage, was the hardest stage for me. It seems like the easiest.. best of both worlds. I can party, and keep my old friends and not step on anyone's toes, not be accountable for thier souls, and still get my warm fuzzies on Sunday. I can party with the best of them, with my new clean language and polite manners and slightly earlier bedtime.. ("No last call for me girls! I am off to Sunday School in the Morning!! Byee!"-- oooohhhhhhh! aaaaahhhhhh!) and still be "saved".


While I was in it.. it was as easy as that at first.

..I take pride in being a fast learner...

It wasn't easy.. how much harder is it to be 2 people? I felt convicted.. ridiculous.. sad.. disappointed with myself. Where do I go? How do I get help like that? My church fam couldn't help.. to them.. I had no problem! They didn't know I could down a 6 pack and get it to the church on time.. They only knew what I allowed them to see. I couldn't talk to my girlfriends.. What do they know about conviction?

I guess now would be a good time to interject my physical timeline.

When I was completely unaware of my life- I was 21. And sadly.. that lasted through Kyns being 2 years old. Pitts was not interested in Church, we were wide open, and lucky enough to have trustworthy babysitters in our parents.

In The Middle-  I was older, I was "In Church" and Kyns was picking up on being at her Grandparents, at least once to twice a month. Pitts was used to Kyns and I headed to church, and would join us on occasion.

My sweet Grandmother, Nanny- the only grandparent I knew passed away. I was consumed with knowing if she immediately went to heaven, I was consumed with knowing if she was waiting, if she was watching, if she was disappointed in me.

End Timeline.

The Middle is hard.. I stayed there too long. But, I knew I could pray. So, I did. Everyday.. the wrong way..  only asking.. never praising.. But God is almighty, and merciful. And he heard my prayer.. and he knew the ending.

God got to me by giving me the help I desired all along. Someone who could sort out both sides.

Pitts went to church sporadically- but he went on the right times. He went on the day God planned, on the day God knew he had him. Pitts heard HIS message. The one you always hear about- THAT message.  Talk about night and day. Pitts went forward and gave his life to God- got baptized. And from then- Man, was he sorting me out or what. He has always been perfect- he was gently disapproving, he was slightly admonishing (I thought self righteous-- wrong again..) And I had my help, but was too self righteous (really) myself to accept it. So, I prayed some more. I couldn't shake the partying, and the desire, myself. Guess what God did.


End drinking. End going out. We are getting the most precious gift ever! Again! Again!!! I didn't even  know I wanted that gift again, but man, did I ever. I argued with God, but I saw what he was doing.  I saw what he wanted from Pitts and I. You'd have to be blind to not know Pitts is a preacher. He glows with the Holy Spirit. He. Glows.

I did not.

I was opposite of glow.  I was a wretched mess. Do you know? Like, torn and pulled, and tempted! God took it away. He knew I wasn't strong enough to stop and realize by myself, for myself. I was for that baby. God gave me an easy way. A bridge.  Now you/I'd have to be blind to not see what he is giving me. I haven't had a desire to drink- I have been immersed in the work- the catching up- the Word.  The change. Bridging the gap. Closing the hole. Loving my life.

Now, judge what you want. Do it! I had 10 months I can't take credit for. And now only 4 months (almost) of making the choice. Staying right. Practicing what I know is right for me. But in those months.. it became more clear than glass.

This is life! This is breathing! This is the beautiful life of gratitude, of servitude, of real happiness. And let me guarantee you- You can't catch a buzz like this.

 And please see me. I glow.

And people don't like it. And people won't like it. But I love them. And if I don't get to you, if won't be because I don't try. I'm not perfect, you may catch me sighing, or complaining, or being ridiculous one day-- But I am shooting for it. I have a story. And we all know it.  That's cool. You have a story. I'm glad mine is going to be glorious. I am glad I went through what I did- Maybe now you can see that you were better than me. That you Are better than me. You probably were. You probably still are. Gives you a head start to get where I am going.

Want to go?


  1. Interesting... Most of us have been down that path in one degree or another, some break free, some stay, some muddle through somehow both worlds during their whole life. Not saying any path is the wrong path, far be for me to judge anothers choosing, just that each person has to find what works best for them, what they are comfortable with. Be it religion, sex, drugs, work, sports, etc. At the moment in Universal space and time it seems like you have found what works best for now, but just remember change happens all the time, sometimes it can be slow sometimes it can happen fast but it does happen...

  2. It's been a looong time since I've come across a blog I love...and I LOVE yours! :)

  3. Love love love your blog LP!!! I call THAT moment when the heart understands the head. You can have the knowledge in your head, it's when it gets to the heart that counts :D