Bitter or Better

Boy, was I ever down last time we talked.. God threw me a lifeline.

Praise God, huh? I don't think you, I or my husband could have taken anymore of that "Why God?" stuff.

More like.. Why not, God? -- Why doesn't it happen more prevalently? God is so good, is why. I am not downplaying or pretending it doesn't happen elsewhere. But can we just take one second and look at our babies?

Thanks, God. There is all that perspective.

And PS- why? Sin is why. Satan is why. Not God. So there's that.

"Bitter or Better"

That is the perspective that a fellow christian gave me. I can be bitter or better. I can make a difference or cry that someone else's sucked.

So, I called this morning.

I was so lucky to talk to Angie Freeman at the Crisis Pregnancy Center. They are starting rounds of volunteer and counseling classes, and I am enrolled.

Better. I'll be better. I have been bitter too long.

Can I get an AMEN?!

the real blog entry

So. I posted an entry on what.. Wednesday? Thursday? Either way.. Can I be honest? It was not for you to read, particularly. It was for me to write. Confused? Let me help you. It was a little fluffy. It was to distract my mind from the awful war that has been raging inside me. I have been in anguish. Literally. A detail about myself I mentioned in one of my very first posts was that I am VERY pro-life. Obsessively, emotionally, incredibly, pro-life. I am disgusted by abortion. This emotion has been ingrained in me since before I was born. Actually since I was conceived. By a mother who was 35 who got pregnant with me unplanned, and pretty much unprepared for- when she was using the contraceptive IUD. Her OB told her I would just never make it. Between her age and the complication of contraceptive- I was a lost case. And then he said if I DID make it- I'd never be "normal" (he did kinda nail that part.. But not by what he meant) He said she would be better off to abort me. Lucky for me, even 27 years ago- my Mom was pretty pro-life herself. And took a chance. Probably only because God is so gracious, I am more than fine and was even born at a whopping 10lbs. Take that, Doc-Love, God. This is what motivates my overly devout pro-lifeness. That my Mother was. Especially in the face of adversity. Can I tell you that there is NO CIRCUMSTANCE that validates abortion. There is adoption. If a women is raped.. Not the baby's fault. If it is her, or the baby- the Lord giveth and he taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.Nothing, nothing, NOTHING makes it ok to take a baby human's life. Don't think it is a baby? John the Baptist LEPT in his mother's womb at Mary's voice. God knows us before he makes us. That even goes PRIOR to conception.

I digress. My mental anguish is caused by the"Doctor"in Philadelphia who performed unsafe, unsanitary, late term baby murders and even in some cases.. Induced the Mother and then severed the baby's spinal cord with scissors. The viable baby. The breathing BABY. The FEELING BABY. The baby. The Babies. And the sicko left baby's bodies stored in the house of horror he called an office.

As I write this I am openly sobbing. It is heart wrenching for me to imagine. The babies must have suffered. The Mothers must have heard their cries! God heard their cries! God's word says if a believer continues knowingly in a sin against God that he repeatedly commits the Lord will take him out of the world to prevent him from continuing in such a mockery.

Why did God let that "doctor" live? And continue to hurt innocent babies?

I know my God is a just, and powerfully omniscent God. I know that he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.. But where is he in that?

I know these are hypothetical questions. Questions I cannot know the answers to this side of heaven.. But it has weighed heavily on my heart. God loves children more than I do.. How could he not stop this??


Praise my Lord. My sweet gracious Lord for patience with me as I work through this story.

Because as it is now-- I am wretched and wrecked with this hate in my heart for this evil "doctor" and the "mothers" who asked for him to do this to those babies. I know God holds them in his arms, now, but I am left with disgust at the horrific state of a world with a man so disgusting in it. Would you pray for me? This has affected my almost every moment since I heard about it.

Please see : operationblackout.org
And google your local crisis pregnancy centers. I have- and am now planning to spend time praying with and helping Moms who want to do the right thing and just need help to do it.

Eyesight, A Renewed Heart, and a Beautiful Coat.

1. The 'new post' button is SO hard for me to find. I think it has a lot to do with it being a different color.. so for most people this would be an aid. It hinders me. I don't know why. But I cannot use that for an excuse as to why my posts are weeks (this time 1) week apart.

2. I totally dyed my hair RED. Like, as my girlfriend's dad said, Reba Red. It is kinda shocking, but red fades, so we shall all see what I end up with. I mixed it with a brown, so hopefully it will fade to an auburn, and not pink.

3. This weekend, I was LUCKY enough to be invited (shout out the Incredible Allison Carr!) to Southside Baptist Church to attend a ladies' conference. The speaker WAS AMAZING. Her name was Lara, and she did a program she wrote called "Hearts Renewed" It. Was. Awesome. I almost typed amazing again. What a gal. I want to share some pearls with you, from my notes one day soon. Someone remind me.

I follow her blog, I was SO in love with her analogies, stories, alliteration! and beautiful language. Can I tell you.. how she reads scripture, it sings. And she describes her love for scripture as a love affair. I want that!

She posted a blog about how God is very present. Everyday he provides. That reminded me that God is so gracious to me. He constantly reassures me with his presence. The questions I asked yesterday, and the requests I prayed for yesterday, he gently reminds me of his answers and assurance. I love that! I was unsure and stumbling yesterday, and sometimes, today I am stronger. But, sometimes, I have to sit at his feet and ask, "Really, Dad? Even though you protected me yesterday, you will AGAIN today?!"

Praise THE Lord. Because he will. And if he does me, in all my brokenness- he sure will cover you with his mercy and grace.

Man, that is the prettiest Coat I ever had!

unexpected Thursday

Typically Thursdays are my least fav day of the week.I work on Th and the office stays open until 6. That last hour is by far the longest hour of the week. But, today Mom and Dad are down and out with a stomach bug. Hence, my jeans, ponytail, and leisurely 8;30 posting from my blackberry, in a rocker, rocking the Luke. Relaxation and leisure come with a price. There are a few backside details you should know.

1. I have been unreliable at work for a year and 4 months.I am actually only part time
, Now. That benefits the practice and definitely me. We could never afford full time childcare. I don't think my state of mind could afford. It either.
A. I had a difficult pregnancy and was out for a while.
B. Our loyal and wonderful, almost-a-grandmother passed away from heinous all consuming cancer- no back up sitter.
C. My parents are busy people I am privileged to have them are for my kids. When they cannot- that is that.

2. My boss dislikes me. Had he had more of a choice in the matter, I would not be his employee. I started out at this practice under another Doc- and I am very good at my job- but our personalities clash. I know that my demeanor (chatty, bubbly to annoyance) irks him. He is a very intelligent man, really great Doctor that I totally respect. But, I am who I am- and it is hard to remember to do a 180 in my personality when he is around.It almost seems dishonest. I have felt like I am borderline being fired for a while. I even took down and home all my personal effects, just in case.

3. I love my co-workers, but one of them, Katie- is first time pregnant- and the other Lyndsey has a lot on her plate. So, I know these last minute call outs burn them up.

What to do? A part of me feels guilty- but the other part of me knows these are unavoidable. I don't choose to be a flake- Pitts cannot call out because he makes 3 times the money I do and is on salary. He carries our health benefits and is second in command. At least if I got fired we could still eat. If he did- we'd beyond sink. Any thoughts? Am I as awful of a person as I feel? Maybe it is just time to resign and find other ways to make money. If we sell the house early- we will move in with my parents- then I will definitely resign. Maybe patience is the answer. With a little guilt..

Wait! Don't Leave!

OK- seriously.. right under "Lose 40 pounds" is my resolution to blog more frequently. However, interestingly enough, in my hiatus- I gained 2 followers! HA!

The holidays were hectic, but amazing! There were so many things that happened, that made me think.. "I should blog that!" However.. whilst thinking it, some catastrophe would happen, or someone would need a bath, or bottle, or help with homework, or help zipping up a dress up outfit..You get the point.

So, the new year is here, and we are testing the waters to sell our beautiful home. mixed emotions, much?!

1. God will not bring me to what he can't bring me through.
(but can he take other things/people with me??)

2. I am so excited to see Brandon SO excited.

3. We are going on an adventure! With long skirts and dirty tennis shoes!

4. (God has to teach me to place less labels..like "dirty tennis shoes")

5. I will finally learn who I am without anyone to lean on! Sink or Swim!

6. I like who I am.

7. (Maybe God doesn't)

8. It is time to "Let go of the Table"

9. I love my church fam. They are more like my fam fam.


Anywho. All this we have hashed out. Let's talk about how Luke is 6 months old and sitting up! and fat! and sweet! Why didn't I relax more when Kynsi was a baby.. ? I could have had this much fun twice! I was SO worried about every little thing when she was a baby, and worried about spoiling her, and worried about over feeding her, and under feeding her, and worried about worrying too much. This is great.

Jamie Johnson is my pseudo hero. She is getting started doing all kinds of uber adorable crafts, no- not crafts, awesome projects, and I want to have one of each one. What talent! With talent like that?! I cannot imagine an end to the possibilities. She is doing capes, and tutus, and hairbows, and aprons, and nursing wraps, and pillowcase dresses, and something called a silkscarf dress that sounds like I would even want one.. I think she should work on a custom label for her amazing Creations. I. Am. A. Fan.

So, the weight loss is not going well. Everytime I cut back, I make NO milk. None. Well, usually I pump 3X a day- getting about 11-12 oz a pump. Lately. When I do the tuna/crackers lunch, or the 60/20/20 I get MAYBE 7 oz a pump. Tough times. I don't want to be overweight. I want to be the adorable gal Brandon married. But I want to do breastmilk for at least another 4-5 months. Life is tough.

For today, tell everyone you love them. Well, tell everyone you love that you love them. and Tomorrow, too. We never know how many of those we have. Or, don't have. :)