the real blog entry

So. I posted an entry on what.. Wednesday? Thursday? Either way.. Can I be honest? It was not for you to read, particularly. It was for me to write. Confused? Let me help you. It was a little fluffy. It was to distract my mind from the awful war that has been raging inside me. I have been in anguish. Literally. A detail about myself I mentioned in one of my very first posts was that I am VERY pro-life. Obsessively, emotionally, incredibly, pro-life. I am disgusted by abortion. This emotion has been ingrained in me since before I was born. Actually since I was conceived. By a mother who was 35 who got pregnant with me unplanned, and pretty much unprepared for- when she was using the contraceptive IUD. Her OB told her I would just never make it. Between her age and the complication of contraceptive- I was a lost case. And then he said if I DID make it- I'd never be "normal" (he did kinda nail that part.. But not by what he meant) He said she would be better off to abort me. Lucky for me, even 27 years ago- my Mom was pretty pro-life herself. And took a chance. Probably only because God is so gracious, I am more than fine and was even born at a whopping 10lbs. Take that, Doc-Love, God. This is what motivates my overly devout pro-lifeness. That my Mother was. Especially in the face of adversity. Can I tell you that there is NO CIRCUMSTANCE that validates abortion. There is adoption. If a women is raped.. Not the baby's fault. If it is her, or the baby- the Lord giveth and he taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.Nothing, nothing, NOTHING makes it ok to take a baby human's life. Don't think it is a baby? John the Baptist LEPT in his mother's womb at Mary's voice. God knows us before he makes us. That even goes PRIOR to conception.

I digress. My mental anguish is caused by the"Doctor"in Philadelphia who performed unsafe, unsanitary, late term baby murders and even in some cases.. Induced the Mother and then severed the baby's spinal cord with scissors. The viable baby. The breathing BABY. The FEELING BABY. The baby. The Babies. And the sicko left baby's bodies stored in the house of horror he called an office.

As I write this I am openly sobbing. It is heart wrenching for me to imagine. The babies must have suffered. The Mothers must have heard their cries! God heard their cries! God's word says if a believer continues knowingly in a sin against God that he repeatedly commits the Lord will take him out of the world to prevent him from continuing in such a mockery.

Why did God let that "doctor" live? And continue to hurt innocent babies?

I know my God is a just, and powerfully omniscent God. I know that he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.. But where is he in that?

I know these are hypothetical questions. Questions I cannot know the answers to this side of heaven.. But it has weighed heavily on my heart. God loves children more than I do.. How could he not stop this??


Praise my Lord. My sweet gracious Lord for patience with me as I work through this story.

Because as it is now-- I am wretched and wrecked with this hate in my heart for this evil "doctor" and the "mothers" who asked for him to do this to those babies. I know God holds them in his arms, now, but I am left with disgust at the horrific state of a world with a man so disgusting in it. Would you pray for me? This has affected my almost every moment since I heard about it.

Please see : operationblackout.org
And google your local crisis pregnancy centers. I have- and am now planning to spend time praying with and helping Moms who want to do the right thing and just need help to do it.